This time of year always sucks for me. Like really f’ckin sucks.
Sorry, but not sorry… but that is my truth.
Fifteen years ago, this week, my 1 lb. 12 oz micro-preemie infant passed away.
His name was Benjamin.
He was born too soon- at 25 weeks (typical pregnancies are 40 weeks) and his lungs were not developed. He lived on a respirator for 8 weeks and then died in my arms- the first time I was ever able to hold him.
And when the ‘season’ of his death comes, it knocks me on my ass.
And what I realize is that we all have this.
We all have someone we have lost. Every. Single. One. Of. Us.
This is the human experience. We all lose those who are our beloveds.
We remember the date. We remember the season. We know exactly what the sky looks like. And how the air feels and smells. The holiday decor or the plainness of the day- but it is not plain for us. It is a painful barrage of our senses as we feel the overwhelm and emotion rise up in our chests and burst through in the form of tears or anger or grief. The grief overwhelms and overtakes us, many of us not knowing how to express it in healthy ways.
It is like the energy of the loss is imprinted in our senses. And none of us- not one, single one of us– gets away unscathed.
Eventually, we all lose someone close to us. A loss so profound that it rocks our soul. It could be a child, parent, spouse, sibling, grandparent, or friend. The grief is consuming and debilitating.
“Why? Why me?” I asked for so many years. I was only 31 years old. He was my first child and I was like, “Why did this happen to me?”
And the answer came many years later.
The wound, the place where I was cracked open- (no, a freakin’ gash cut into me with a dull machete)- is where the light entered.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”- Rumi
A couple of years after his passing, I went to medium. Right away, as soon as I sat down, she told me there was a boy here, a boy with a Buh sound… B.B.B. Your son!”
I said, “Yes!” and burst into tears. “That is my son, Benjamin.”
Tears filled her eyes. She said, “He is such a beautiful soul and he has such love for you. You carry so much guilt but it was his soul’s mission to pass this way. He spared you a life of pain (he had a grade two brain bleed which would have left him with a 64% chance of having some form of cerebral palsy-mild or wheelchair bound for life). But, he wants you to know, you are such a wonderful mother- not only to me when I was alive but also now, to my brother and sister!’
I burst into tears and literally felt the huge wound in my body instantaneously heal. It was as if the bleeding gash in my heart was just stitched up and mended.
These were the words that I unknowingly needed to hear. His death wasn’t my fault?? You see, I had to deliver him to save my own life. I unknowingly had a blood clotting disorder. The only way to save myself was to deliver my premature baby. So in saving myself, cost him his life. And the guilt of that, weighed heavily on my soul. And in one moment, he let me off the hook.
It was nothing short of miraculous.
Just recently, in a workshop I was leading, a participant (but unbeknownst to me, a psychic medium) starting channeling my son. She gave me messages from him, not knowing I lost a son. She said, “There is a boy here. Your boy!”
Through her, he told me, “My soul’s purpose was to come into your life and leave you so that you could tap into the higher realms, tap into me and my guidance for you. I am your guardian angel.”
I was like, “What??”
But as I thought about it, I realized this was the absolute truth. Before his death, I was asleep. After his death, I was looking for signs and trying to make sense of everything- the loss, my pain and the meaning of life.
And I didn’t get all of the answers right away. It came to me when I was ready to hear them.
So I have realized, that the most excruciating pain that I have ever endured, has led me to my greatest breakthrough. And my greatest breakthrough is what has led me to my soul’s purpose. As a conduit of healing- helping others release their pain and live their best lives- is exactly what I am meant to be doing.
I look at the anniversary of his passing very differently now. I am sad, of course. I weep. I cry. But now I see what its purpose was and how the dots connect. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
And, as any mother knows, however long your baby lived on this Earth or if just in your belly, that the love you have for your child is eternal.
In this week’s Energy Healing Toolkit, I offer you supportive practices to soothe grief.
In private sessions, we delve deeper into your energy, goals and needs.
Thanks for taking this journey with me.
Energy Healing Toolkit Soothe Your Heart from Grief
Grief is such a heavy emotion that takes a long time to process and work through, if ever. It is the normal response to loss of any kind. We can grieve the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, a pet, a job or a place. While everyone grieves differently, here are some practices to help soothe the intensity when grief becomes overwhelming.
1) Cry– Let your tears flow. Tears are the natural cleansers of sadness.
2) Hold Your Heart– Your heart is the energetic center which holds onto grief. Place your hands over your heart and allow the chakras in your hands to comfort your heart.
3) Work with your Angels– Say, “Thank you angels for surrounding me in your healing light. Thank you for helping my heart to heal from this grief.”
4) Work with Crystals- Rose Quartz is my favorite stone to work with the heart. Amethyst, Apache Tear, Aquamarine, and Rainbow Moonstone are all good stones to help with grief.
5) Look for Signs– If you are dealing with grief from a loved one who passed away, look for signs that their spirit is sending you. Just recently, my mother and I were eating dinner and she said to me, “This tastes just like how Nana used to make!” A few minutes later, my grandparents’ ‘song’ started playing in the restaurant! Typical signs from above are signs, songs, coins, birds, smells, butterflies and many, many more! My best friend gets bobby pins from her grandmother. You just have to look!
6) Learn– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the five stages of grief. When you learn about the process and what to expect, it is helpful.
7) Be Patient– While I will never be the same from the loss of my baby, I have arrived on the other side. I am able to talk (and write) about it without breaking down. It took a very, very long time, but it’s like a scar. I am not the same as I was but it has become a part of who I am.
8) Expect Triggers– Certain things will trigger the grief to rise up in you. Everyone has different triggers. Is it a date, holiday, place or song? Knowing what triggers you can help you to prepare for it. While I can say that I can talk (and write) about my loss without breaking down, the anniversary of his passing is a very hard day for me. I always do something special just for me so that I can get through the day. There are also unexpected triggers that can not be anticipated. When I see a picture of a premature infant, I well up with tears. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.
9) Get Support– Whether it be traditional talk or group therapy, or through energy healing practices, you need to take care of yourself and be supported through this process. I recently started working with a client who was completely debilitated by the loss of her parents and a tragic accident of a child relative. Since working together over several sessions, she says that she is feeling better and the grief is softening.